24/7?

Shops in Ommen are allowed to open their doors to the public on Sunday, August 9th. This may sound a bit strange to people living in Canada or closer to home the UK. They are used to be able to go to the shops whenever they like, to get whatever they want. Although, in the UK you can put a bottle of wine in your basket in Tesco's in the middle of the night, but you have to wait til 8 am to be able to pay for it at the till. A strange rule now I come to think of it. Of course you can build a party in the supermarket. Very handy when you are running the risk of running out of booze. And at 8 am you stagger to the till, pay for as many bottles as you have managed to empty and go home. I do agree that the lighting plan does not help to create an intimate atmosphere in a supermarket, but believe you me that seems to matter less and less as the night proceeds. 

The observation that things are different in Ommen is not that strange. Considering that Ommen is part of the so called 'bible belt' of the Netherlands. And it is not the only town that has funny rules when it comes to 'what is and what is not allowed on a Sunday'. Obviously, for would it have been the only town then there would not have been a 'bible belt', but a 'bible button'. Still, one would have thought that in this day and age it would be quite common to have a 24 hour economy. Or at least leave it up to the shop owner whether or not to open his doors.

I would welcome the possibility to go shopping in the evening. At least all the screaming kids, raising them properly does not happen anymore I have noticed, will be in bed. What a relief that would be. The streets are not stuffed with cars too, making it a piece of cake to get to and from the supermarket. And when you get there, to find an empty parking spot will not take forever. Parking areas would be safe again as well without women driving to the supermarket in their husbands cars, normally a lot bigger than what they are used to, and crashing into almost every obstacle on their way.  I may be exaggerating a bit here but you will not find me in a parking area close to the shops during office hours. Nope, way too dangerous.

So what could Ommen do, to not be left behind in our modern society? Well, when creating a haven of rest in an otherwise tumultuous week is what Ommen aims for, maybe the Amish set a good example. Go about your business using horse and carriage. It will not only slow yourself down but all the other people on the road as well. Due to the slow down of society thus caused, shops have no other choice then to stay open all week, to serve their customers. 8 hours a day for 6 days would no longer suffice.

It would allow me to go to the shops during the quiet hours of

the night, provided that I would refrain from alcoholic beverages... 

3 strikes: out

Although it may seem surreal to many people, it will come true in the Netherlands. The police will be on strike during the coming weeks. Of course not every day. No, they plan their actions around the start of the Dutch football competition. How convenient is that? Personally I could not give a rat's ass whether Dutch football teams are let loose in the stadiums or not. But because football is claimed to be the sport of the masses I gather many do. Supporters of the various clubs in particular are not pleased at all. I do kind of sympathize with them. I mean, why should the Dutch 'John Doe', 'Henk', suffer from a quarrel between the Minister of Justice and the Police? Nope, me neither. And it is a pity we do not live in the US. The Police there maintain, I would say, a near zero tolerance policy. '3 strikes and your out'. Well, actually you are in because you are sent to prison. That would solve the problem rapidly I predict. Every cop spotted participating in a strike action for the third time would be kicked out of the police force. Upholding their own policy no matter what. Unfair? I do not think so. Every police person can go on strike twice. Ample opportunity to express their displeasure with the current situation. And they are better of than criminals who have to live by the same policy too.

Football hooligans, bar the odd real lover of the sport, are not as stupid as they look it seams. Lucky for them. They have come up with a cunning plan. Because several matches will not take place, due to striking policemen, football hooligans have nothing else to do. Not that strange, as their lives revolve around football. And when there are no matches played, their lives consequently come to a grinding halt. The weather is forecast to be lovely, so what can be a better thing to undertake then invite the supporters of the scheduled opponent for a beer on the terraces in the center of town. Of course, it is possible that these gatherings will be held in a friendly atmosphere and camaraderie. But let us be honest, the odds are a bit against a positive outcome. I personally estimate the probability as high as that of pink elephants falling from the sky. Nil, because Dombo is grey.



I am afraid that our poor policemen will be forced to attend these gatherings whether they like it or not, and can thus no longer be on strike.  

I do have a question for the supporters though.


"Would it be possible to organize these so called 'Dutch beer parties' on a Friday evening please?" Why? Well, with the matches that were planned to take place on Sunday cancelled and the police being on strike that day, no overtime has to be paid. Or double overtime as it would have been a weekend day...

Amsterdam: the windy city

The Netherlands has experienced a few windy days. Very windy I would like to add, as it never has been this windy at this time of the year in over a hundred years. And although some people may think that they are always the ones that are unlucky, this is not always supported by facts. I mean, of course it is a bummer when your car gets squashed by a tree. But imagine that all three of your cars are downgraded to a pile of scrap metal. Now that is what I would call bad luck.

A small lesson to be learned here is never to park your car near a big tree. On the leeward side that is. A lesson that is a lot easier to live by in a big city then in the countryside. After all, the only foliage to be found in Amsterdam is normally attached to a weed plant. Not even a Mini could be parked under that. Unless the weed plant is placed in a pot on a balcony. Nevertheless, it took fire departments across the country a full day to clear all the streets and highways. A day well spent I think. Makes me wonder though. Where do all the chopped up trees go to? A monster storm like the one we had the other day could take care of a year's supply of matchsticks. Or clogs, as poplars where clogs are made from are among the first trees to be knocked down by a bit of wind we learned a few years ago.

Scientists predict, or expect may be a better term, that storms will occur more often in the future. Even during the summertime. And with a large population of poplars and other not very wind resistant tree species, I see a very bright future for the Dutch matchstick industry. There will be a more than adequate supply of raw materials at virtually no cost. Firemen will probably chop them trees up for free as they do need a bit of exercise every now and then.

So people who may think that global warming will cause nothing but havoc will be pleasantly surprised I gather. Not only the Dutch matchstick industry will show an upturn, so will the tourist industry when Amsterdam is surpassing Chicago as the 'real windy city'. But the Netherlands is so much more than just Amsterdam you might object. Not really. To most Americans, the Netherlands consists of Amsterdam and ehh..... There you go. They will be none the wiser.

I therefore propose to start printing the posters that will acknowledge this new reputation of Amsterdam. No longer will it be known as 'the weedy city', but 'the windy city...

Exodus

Bob Marley had a prescient when he released his song 'Exodus' in 1977, chanting "Movement of Jah people". Now, I do not know whether everyone that moves south these days are 'Jah' people, but fact is that there are a lot of them. It definitely is a movement. After stocking their caravan with all the familiar items from home, Dutchies are renowned to take peanut butter, chocolate sprinkles and a bag of potatoes with them, Dutchies embark on their journey south. And at a very specific time as well. Preferably they leave very early Friday morning or late Thursday evening. After all, a spot on a camp site is normally booked from Saturday to Saturday and Dutchies want to make the most of it. And it makes no difference whether it is 'Samedi Noir' in France or not. 'We paid for a week, hence we gonna stay a week'. This is why often people can be heard stumbling around at day break packing the last items in the car and/or caravan, stuffing the kids in their car seats, quarreling about who is sitting where, waking up the neighborhood by slamming the doors and driving off. All aimed at taking possession of the holiday location straight after the previous renters have vacated the designated camping spot. But poor kids, they have no clue what awaits them the next 24 hours or so. Staring at their parents head rests, nowadays often equipped with a video screen, chewing on soggy sandwiches and getting hotter by the hour. Ending up in traffic jams, quite common during the summer months, easily adds hours to the estimated travel time. Not very good for moral. Strangely, this ritual is repeated every year. So much for the long time memory of the kids, or parents for that matter. 

Still, summertime is the best time of the year to be a Dutchie in the Netherlands. There are not enough cars to form proper traffic jams on the roads, and people to cause traffic jams in the supermarket. Because for some funny reason unknown to me,women like to take their kids to the supermarket, meet up with other women they saw only just that very same morning, start yakking in the aisles which have the least room to move about because there are youngsters busy filling the shelves, and looking puzzled when a remark is made about their lack of logistics insight. Yep, I know, I am stereotyping here but stereotypes have their origin somewhere. As said, no such thing during summertime. Marvelous. 

Although, I must admit that at least on the roads there are a few negative side effects of the summer holidays. There are foreigners about on the Dutch roads. And not all of them know how to operate a motor vehicle, let alone have knowledge of traffic rules. Or traffic signs. As a consequence, foreign motorists stray all over the place, and pop up in places where they are least expected. Very annoying. Only the other day I watched three oriental women in a car causing another motorist to slam the brakes due to an unexpected and sloppily executed turn off the road, reversing back onto the road without looking and thus causing a motor biker to seek refuge in the lane for oncoming traffic and once again turning of the road without noticing two people approaching on the cycle path on their e-bikes at a fast pace. Or noticing anything at all. Idiots.

But luckily there are also foreigners that set an example. I personally like British motorists. Unlike the Dutchies, they flash their lights not to force you off the road but to signal that they allow you to overtake, enter the motorway and such. Lovely.

 

So, although I welcome foreign visitors that want to have a look at our tulips, windmills and clogs, it may be a good idea to let them be driven by a chauffeur. A local one that is, who has a clue about Dutch traffic rules and regulations. 

Not only will it save me a lot of irritation, foreign tourists thus have ample time to look around without causing traffic accidents.  A proper 双赢 they would say... 

Tour de France

Last Sunday a bunch of colorful dressed cyclist decided to go for some speed cycling, despite the tropical temperatures. Yep, the Tour de France has started. In Utrecht of all places. As the Netherlands is known for their weed, ehh clogs, tulips and cycling, it came as no surprise that a lot of people lined the streets to see the cyclists flash by. I was not one of them. Firstly because I truly believe that cycling is only useful when you need to get from A to B for some serious business. A means of transportation so to speak. That is, apart from mountain biking which can count on my support. It is also an activity that does not require my attention all the time while being in the Netherlands, because it is as flat as a pancake. No mountains. Hence, theoretically speaking, no mountain biking. Lesson to be learned here is to pick the sport that you want to support, or practice for that matter, with care.

But I clearly happened to be part of the Dutch minority as far as being enthusiastic about the Tour de France goes. I chose to watch the English Formula 1 race on the Silverstone circuit instead. Did not take as long too. 

But I may have missed a heroic spectacle. Heavy rain and strong winds battered the herd of cyclists as it fought its way through the Dutch landscape. Poor cyclists. They must have thought that they had seen a glimpse of hell on that second day of the Tour. Obviously they had not, as became painfully clear the next day. Literally for at least 20 of them that crashed on their way to Belgium. And as always, it started with just one guy having a look at his cell phone or perhaps texting his girlfriend. Not paying enough attention to his colleagues in front of him. That much was obvious.

It is something I do not understand. I mean, whenever I go for a ride on my motorbike I always wear leathers. Not just for yourself but it also can come in handy when you crash and the coroner has to drag you off the scene. Leathers thereby serve as a body bag, and thus are multipurpose. But these idiotic cyclists apparently think that nothing will happen to them. They only wear a flimsy jersey, no gloves and a helmet with holes in it. What do you expect from that?  I guess that like youngsters, they have faith in fate and believe that it will knock on their neighbors door. Trust me, they will most likely learn the hard way sooner or later by experiencing the inconvenience of their outfit themselves. Well, nothing can beat a first hand experience I guess.

With many channels broadcasting the Tour de France it is hard to miss it. However, when I am more or less forced to watch it, I focus on the landscape. Especially when it crosses France and I am looking for a nice area to go to for a holiday. Or curvy roads to blast down on my motorbike. You get to see a lot of the countryside too.  This is very understandable because watching them cyclist for 6 or 7 hours on end is quite boring. So I just take for granted that the shots of the French countryside are spoiled by a bunch of cyclists crossing it and the flock of spectators lining the road side that comes with it. You cannot win them all. 

Can I make a suggestion to the organization though? Photoshop them cyclists out of the shots and just show the landscape. Or leave them out of the Tour de France altogether.

An additional advantage would be that all these drug tests can be abolished. No more cheating. To me this is a clear win-win...

Heatwave

Holland is currently suffering from a heatwave. With temperatures getting perilously close to 40 C people are frantically looking for ways to cool down. But this is not as easy as it seems. Of course you can take your car for a spin, when it has air conditioning, until you run out of fuel. In hindsight, this may not be such a clever thing to do in view of future heatwaves. Scientist say that it will add to global warming and consequently to heatwaves occurring more frequently. Mind you, around the 1900's a heat wave occurred every 30 years. Nowadays  people should be prepared for heatwaves happening every 3 years. Nope, that is no typo. So, driving an air conditioned car would be a matter of shooting one selves in the foot, so to speak. I have got a far better idea. Make use of public means. Water features are favorite these days.

Unfortunately we are not as blessed as Rome is with the Trevi fountain. Anita Ekberg, in the film 'La dolce vita',  has shown the public that it can be put to good use to cool down when temperatures are rising. Nope, Dutch fountains are not much bigger than a fish tank and can only be used to take your goldfish for a swim. So, Dutchies have no other option than to seek refuge in fountains caused by sprinkler systems. And there are quite a few of them too, thanks to eager civil servants who wanted to be remembered by the public. Normally they would fall back on building a new town hall, or a base ball field to American standards like in Hoofddorp. But what to do when those ideas are already taken? Yep, create a water feature. Not only outside but also inside office buildings. All that is needed for the latter is a match and a chair to reach the sensor of the fire alarm to be welcomed by a few refreshing drops. A word to the ladies though: it is advised to wear waterproof mascara on that day. You may otherwise be mistaken for a zombi, or Alice Cooper. You do not want that to happen, although being a rock star is not that bad at all. A zombie is.

Although people in general tend to overreact and go after the most complicated solution to solve a minor problem, this is not always wise to do. It is not a coincidence that there are sayings like:' patient is a virtue' and 'Rome was not built in one day'. Although the latter could have something to do with the Italian quality of building. Or more the lack of. When the way Italians put there cars together is anything to go by, solutions in Italy most likely never get delivered as repairing bits and pieces will be an ongoing business.

Things are different in the Netherlands though. I must confess that we also have building projects that go on forever, like for example traffic control systems in tunnels. But the weather is a different thing. Should we have lived in France, then the weather would have been a female noun. 'La temps'. Or in Germany, 'die Wetter'. Why? Because it changes very quickly without prior notice and into something you would never have thought of. And thus after 'huffing and puffing' in temperatures close to 40 C, a couple of thunderstorms took care of it and we are back to normal temperatures once again. What was thought to become a major heatwave of catastrophic proportions, turned out to be nothing more than a micro wave. 

Mother nature always wins...

The police or the Police?

Policemen in the Netherlands are planning actions to draw attention to the fact that they have been without a Collective Labor Agreement for some time now. Without a what? Never mind. Let us assume that it is a perfectly good reason to become active. Now, what could policemen do to get the attention of their boss, the Minister of Safety and Justice? I have got a splendid idea. What about catching the thieves, burglars, murderers and the like, that are still at large? Or that are again on the run? You see, every now and then convicted criminals are allowed a taste of life outside the prison-walls. Kind of preparing them for their return into society. And guess what, they tend to run away during their trial leave. How surprising. Not.

Well that is not what is going to happen. I mean, do what the public expect them to do, catching criminals. Nope, our 'boys in blue' had a brain-storm, or brain-wash I think would be the right noun, and decided to inspect the 'Tour de France'. Or more in particular, the vehicles that follow the cyclists. Mobile laboratories and such. Can they do that one may ask? Yes they can, because this year the Tour de France starts in the Netherlands. A bit confusing I know but not uncommon. The 'Giro d'Italia' for instance starts in Apeldoorn in 2016. How logical is that? It is not.

Now, Dutch policemen are used to french residents traveling to the Netherlands to get their taste of the renowned Dutch hallucinogenic substances. They have seen them crossing the border for ages. Bring out the sniffer-dogs I would say. Just a bit of retraining would do the job to sniff out every performance enhancing drug stashed away anywhere in the marketing caravan. It would be good for the image of the Tour at the same time too. For the first time in history the Tour would be really clean. My guess thus is that these 'active' policemen will be welcomed with open arms. Surely by the organization.

Whether we, the public, will be aware of any action taking place remains to be seen. Policemen may control a lot, but what will or will not be broadcast, is beyond the reach of the long arm of the law. Even when extended by a baseball-glove on a selfie-stick.

Do not despair though as I have a cunning plan for the organizing committee of the Tour de France to beat the Dutch Police to it, and have some police action that will be well worth broadcasting. 

Make a phone-call to Sting and his buddies and persuade them to perform on the Erasmus Bridge in Rotterdam. I guarantee that the public will definitely prefer the English trio to the entire Dutch police force. I for one would...

Rumble

It is almost a month since Nepal was rocked by a massive earthquake. Rumor has it that is was caused by a bunch of idiots who thought it was funny to have their bare asses photographed on Everest, a holy mountain to the Nepalese people. Although I sympathize with the Nepalese, I do not think that there is a relation. between one event and the other. For one, because it took the gods rather a long time to make up their minds and act on it. And like training a dog, or cat, it does not make sense to whack a dog a couple of days after it misbehaved. Neither to the dog. I like to believe that people react similarly. Kids do. 

Or should gas extraction be considered an attributing factor? After all, Dutchies know from the ongoing rumble in the north-eastern part of the Netherlands that there is a direct relation between gas-extraction and earthquakes. Well, with the exception of the NAM, that are still in denial. Regrettably, I have to rule it out as a cause of the recent disaster. Because no natural gas has been found in the Himalaya, bar the occasional fart resulting from improperly digested butter-tea. Yak. I therefore think that I have to resort to scientists and see if they can come up with a plausible theory. As a matter of fact, they can. It has something to do with shifting tectonic plates and such. More precisely with the fact that India is slowly swept under the carpet, or in this case the Himalaya, meanwhile pushing the Himalaya up. Do not be surprised when Sir Edmund Hillary happens to have climbed 9000 m to reach the summit of Mount Everest, rather than the meager 8848 m we thought before. His star continues to rise, literally. 

Still, the story about the gods being pissed-off is more appealing to me. It leaves room for the imagination. Like, maybe the gods were totally aghast by the demonstration of such denseness and forgot to teach them a lesson right there and then. Or they just were asleep and only saw the event in the evening news.

I think that we, Dutchies should consider ourselves lucky that there are no mountains in the Netherlands. Mind you, the highest elevation that we have resembles a mole hill rather than a mountain. No need for them bare asses to come over here and defy the gods. Nope. Bugger off. We have a hard enough time dealing with the NAM...

Fighting a loosing battle

As you may have noticed, the football event of the year has started. That is, when you are from the feminine side. Our girls are playing at the World Cup tournament in Canada. Yep. Canada. Unlike with the World Cup tournament football for men in 2022, which will be held in Qatar, FIFA has come to their senses this time. Not such a good idea to play football in the blazing sun after all? So you would think. I think there is another explanation. There just was no one to pay a bribe to FIFA in that region. Not all that surprising too. I mean, If I were to pay good money to have women playing football in my country I also would like to be able to see them playing. And that is not happening in the Arab world. Women have to cover themselves, more or less. Often more. It must be very awkward trying to run for the ball wearing a Hijab. But at least you can see the ball and where you are going. Try that in a Burka. Like running around in thick fog. No fun at all for the spectators, watching wheelie-bin-likeshapes going for the, I suppose, ball. One might as well walk through the street just before the garbage truck is due, and all the wheeliebins are lined up on the pavement. Same thing.

So Canada it is. Good choice, I can tell you. Check out  www.howiddiz-in-Canada.blogspot.com. Our girls are not doing that well. China got the upper hand and beat them, just. But are we really doing that badly?

Let me put things in perspective. The Netherlands has about 17 million residents, China has 1300 million. So they should be roughly 76 times better than the Dutchies. Therefore, 76-0 would have been the expected outcome. Shame on China! And way to go Dutchies. Neither is football the only sport at which China excels. Ping-pong, named after the brothers Ping and Pong who invented the sport, is another one. And diving, and gymnastics, and.... But still not as good as expected.

I for one like the idea that having a large pool to choose from does not automatically guarantee a place on the podium. Otherwise, what would be the point of participating in any sport, with countries like China, or India for that matter, taking part. And no, I do not believe in Pierre de Coubertin's slogan 'participating is more important than winning'  After all, who does remember the silver medalist of the World Cup Football that was held in Amsterdam. Neither do I.

Still, the Dutchies are a long way from raising the world cup to the sky...

Undertaker

Government in the Netherlands does not have a long list of successful projects to show for. Of course there are exceptions like......ehhh. Nope. Cannot find anything out of the ordinary. From C2000, the new digital mobile radio communication system for the Police to renovating Palace Huis ten Bosch. The result either does not work or costs are skyrocketing. Thus the Police are still wondering what is happening in the world around them. The king and queen would have been a lot cheaper off, building a new palace from scratch. Or should I say 'we'? Because it will be the taxpayer, unlike the Greece we still have them, that will have to pick up the bill. And it makes no difference who is overseeing the job, apparently.

 

Why am I not surprised? Well, I know that civil servants are mainly that. Civil and servants. Not particularly a blue print for a successful entrepreneur, I would say. But yet, it are civil servants who are in charge of public undertakings. Renovating a palace, building a tunnel under the streets of the Hague, providing the ministry of Defense with a state of the art ERP-system named 'Speer', or Javelin for my friends in Canada. It is all supervised by a civil servant. 'Speer' obviously did not hit 'bulls-eye'. One thing an ERP-system should be good at, I have been taught, is keeping track of goods on their way from sender to receiver. Speer does not, as the Dutch Army found out when they opened a container supposedly stuffed with military supplies send home from the Middle East. It weighed like a ton of bricks. Literally. Neatly packed as it was, with ..... Yep. 

I think I have got the solution though. Put Queen Maxima in charge! For starters, of renovating her own palace. Although women are said to have a hole in their hand through which a Euro disappears faster than black figures on car-maker Spijker's balance sheet, I dare say that this is somewhat exaggerated. And there is more positive news. Maxima is very into micro financing. Meaning that she is accustomed to spending small amounts of money at the same time.  Or paying for a very, very small house. Not very likely though, the latter. So, Maxima it is then. From then on every civil servant undertaking a big project should apply for their share of the pie. Overspending civil servants would not be given a Royal Pardon or get away easily. Nope. I suggest a reintroduction of public flogging. Gives the bourgeoisie something else to go to then the dreariness of IKEA. And they would be allowed to throw things at the culprit too. Like javelins and such. That would teach them civil servants to throw the taxpayer's money down the drain. 

Would it not be better, I philosophized, when we should think twice before embarking on those megalomaniac projects. Not pushing civil servants to make ideas look very shiny and nice, as it is in their nature to be overly optimistic. Except when it concerns their own wage increase. I therefore propose to ask the opinion of a real businessman on any project proposal spat out by zealous civil servants. And pretend it was his money on the line. That would separate wheat from chaff, I guarantee.

So, why not ask a real undertaker...?

Appearances are deceptive

My neighbors have a dog, Vinny. It is aptly named after Vinny Jones, a former British football player turned actor. And I must say that I can

 

somewhat see the resemblance. Like Mr. Jones, Vinny looks a bit rough around the edges, as most Steffies do. Bar Steffi Graff of course. But appearances can be deceiving. From experience I can tell that Vinny is a very friendly creature. Always poking its head over the fence when I approach my front door. How can I not oblige to so much friendliness. We thus became good mates. And it is not the first Steffie either that, so to speak, came across my path. South African Patch was another one.

But as I said, appearances can be deceiving. A few Dutchies found out the hard way that a Pitbull, although it looks similar to a Steffie, is in fact a different ball-game altogether. 

'Saturday evening a pitbull bit four family members in 's-Heerenberg' 

I cannot repeat it enough: "Always check the label." Nasty as it is though, things can be a lot nastier. 

Who can resist a furry bundle of joy that a kitten normally is? I fore one cannot. But it is a bit foolish to think that the high level of cuddliness that comes with the average kitten, applies to every cat. An Australian tourist, obviously more used to crocs than to cats, had a minor error of judgement during his trip in South Africa. Nope, a lion may well be a cat but it is not of the cuddly kind at all He was lucky to get away with only a few scratches. 

And I cannot blame the lion for having a go at it, at all. Picture yourself being a lion, laying under a tree on a hot afternoon on the African savannah. Every now and then what appears to be tinned food is rolling by. Most of the times unreachable for the average lion, not equipped with a tin-opener, because windows and doors are shut to keep the cold in and the lions out. Not this tin on wheels though. You spot an open window and a foolish boy looking foolishly at you and your mates. Well, you must have thought, I can either get very tired chasing zebras tonight for a hearty meal or try this idiot of a tourist. A no-brainer, obviously. And the Aussie bloke too. 

Not that it is an incident either. Nope. The internet is littered with blockheads that mistake wild animals for their childhood pets. Much to my liking though, wild animals often remind them yokels that their appearances are deceptive. The hard way.

Paddington may be a bear, but not all bears are Paddington...