Appearances are deceptive

My neighbors have a dog, Vinny. It is aptly named after Vinny Jones, a former British football player turned actor. And I must say that I can

 

somewhat see the resemblance. Like Mr. Jones, Vinny looks a bit rough around the edges, as most Steffies do. Bar Steffi Graff of course. But appearances can be deceiving. From experience I can tell that Vinny is a very friendly creature. Always poking its head over the fence when I approach my front door. How can I not oblige to so much friendliness. We thus became good mates. And it is not the first Steffie either that, so to speak, came across my path. South African Patch was another one.

But as I said, appearances can be deceiving. A few Dutchies found out the hard way that a Pitbull, although it looks similar to a Steffie, is in fact a different ball-game altogether. 

'Saturday evening a pitbull bit four family members in 's-Heerenberg' 

I cannot repeat it enough: "Always check the label." Nasty as it is though, things can be a lot nastier. 

Who can resist a furry bundle of joy that a kitten normally is? I fore one cannot. But it is a bit foolish to think that the high level of cuddliness that comes with the average kitten, applies to every cat. An Australian tourist, obviously more used to crocs than to cats, had a minor error of judgement during his trip in South Africa. Nope, a lion may well be a cat but it is not of the cuddly kind at all He was lucky to get away with only a few scratches. 

And I cannot blame the lion for having a go at it, at all. Picture yourself being a lion, laying under a tree on a hot afternoon on the African savannah. Every now and then what appears to be tinned food is rolling by. Most of the times unreachable for the average lion, not equipped with a tin-opener, because windows and doors are shut to keep the cold in and the lions out. Not this tin on wheels though. You spot an open window and a foolish boy looking foolishly at you and your mates. Well, you must have thought, I can either get very tired chasing zebras tonight for a hearty meal or try this idiot of a tourist. A no-brainer, obviously. And the Aussie bloke too. 

Not that it is an incident either. Nope. The internet is littered with blockheads that mistake wild animals for their childhood pets. Much to my liking though, wild animals often remind them yokels that their appearances are deceptive. The hard way.

Paddington may be a bear, but not all bears are Paddington...

Kids

'Kids are our future', is often recited. Mainly by desperate parents who have come to realize that there is not such a thing as a 'money back guarantee'. Once you have them, you are stuck with them. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Nope. Kids can be very well behaved, thus demonstrating a correct upbringing. Really. And do not forget that they can come in handy when you are getting older too. And needy. Taking care of your personal transportation when you realize that getting home by car is more a matter of luck than of your ability to drive a vehicle. It also gives kids a purpose in life, paying back their parents for raising them.

However, it seems that Dutch kids do not feel so thankful anymore. Research has pointed out that youngsters are the most frequent visitors of Dutch mental health organizations. And not to pick up their parents either. Lacking a purpose in life and not being corrected enough during their upbringing seems to be the cause of this recent hike in mental desperation among youth. 

How does this not surprise me at all?! 

I know that it is not done to point a finger at the past and claim that things were much better back then. Nevertheless, I will give it a go. I vividly remember that my dad was quite clear in what to do and what not to do. I often was lucky having shoes with laces rather than clogs as I would have been whacked out of them after a badly executed attempt to figure out where the boundaries of decent behavior were. Corrections were thus frequently made.  And in such a way that there was no room for misinterpretation. Likewise, purpose in life was easily defined. 'If you want something, earn the money to buy it yourself.' No such things as free hand-outs during the weekend by guilt-ridden parents, to compensate for a lack of attention during the week. The 'patat-generatie', 'fries-generation', has obviously been spoiled rotten. 

The 'fries-generation' never received critical remarks when showing of drawings to their parents that could have been made by a visually impaired person. Nope. 'Well done darling', is today's mantra. Even when it is not that difficult to explain to kids what their efforts should amount to. Plenty of examples on the internet.

 

 Should be:

It has even gone so far that parents are suing the Dutch Government for not preventing their kids from doing things they should not do, I read on the website of a Dutch newspaper. How stupid is that. Passing on your own inabilities to an amorphous body like the Government.

I therefor propose a return to a meritocracy. You have to earn your rights. Like sitting an exam that wannabe parents have to sit. Failing means you are deemed unsuited to raise a family.

And not only citizens would be affected. Talking rubbish, nowadays a very common and highly regarded skill in government, will not longer do...

The joy of riding

Rules and regulations concerning driving and riding have changed over the years in the Netherlands. In the old days for instance one could obtain an 'L-plate',stick it on ones motorbike and start practicing riding it. No drivers license needed. And there were few rules attached to it. Do not drive on the motorway and do not carry a passenger. I did not care about the first rule as riding on motorways is very boring anyway. They are fairly straight over here. A different thing altogether was the latter. Unfortunately, riding a motorbike coincided with having girl-friends. However, the cure was very simple. By sticking the 'L-plate' under ones saddle, no one could tell it was a novices' motorbike. And you could ride around with your girlfriend snug behind you on the saddle anywhere you wanted. Life could not get any better. I thought.

Sadly, these times are far behind us. Nowadays one is allowed to drive a car from the age of 17, having a coach sitting on the passengers seat till being 18. It is even more complicated for bikers. One can sit a theoretical exam when being 17, but only start taking practical lessons when reaching the age of 18. How stupid is that? Sitting on one's hands for about a year. Very demotivating. And it even gets worse because you are not allowed to drive a proper bike

till you are 24. To me, driving a donkey cart is even more attractive and a lot more challenging than looking silly riding a moped. No wonder that the average age of bikers is rising fast.

Things are looking better though, as youngsters are looking for ways to get around the system. All aimed at getting to enjoy riding. Sometimes they have their spelling totally wrong though. I mean 'enjoy riding' is totally different from 'joyriding'. Not everyone seems to get it, I noticed the other day.

'Joyrider, aged 13, stopped in Den Bosch'

Not always by the police either. As sane people know, even a small tree will beat the average car in a direct confrontation most of the times. And there are plenty of trees willing to give it a go too. I would advice not to get overconfident and try to beat the foliage. Stay on tarmac.  

Unless you are driving a tank of course. The history of tanks beating trees goes back as far as the first World War. But they are a little hard to come by. Tanks that is. Unlike during the period when discussions about acid rain affecting the forests in industrialized societies, trees nowadays are standing tall.

So, what to do about it? I see a huge potential for farmers. Huhh? Yep, agricultural entrepreneurs.  With the prices for the crops they used to grow hardly keeping pace with the rate of inflation, the idea of allocating a piece of land to help youngsters master the art of riding, or driving for that matter, must be very tempting. There is a lot of money to be made you know. It surely beats breeding pigs or chasing free range chickens.

Nobody gets hurt, no trees are attacked and youngsters get in touch with life in the countryside. A win-win situation I would say...

Alcohol lock

 

The Dutch government has figured out an ingenuous way to prevent intoxicated people to drive a car. It is an alcohol-lock. And it is very easy to operate, which is an essential design criteria presuming that intoxicated people will be the main user-group. Although it could also have worked should it be very complicated to use. By the time an intoxicated person will have figured out what to do with it, he or she will most likely be sober. And that is what it is all about, is it not?

But it is not as fool proof as our politicians may think. There are several very easy ways to work around the 'stay put' effect of an alcohol-lock. Let me walk you through a few of them.

1) Bring your dog.
Yes, it is as simple as it seems. Let your dog breath in the apparatus instead of your self. Provided that your dog does not drink, alcohol that is, it should be clear sailing. Any dog? Well not quite. I would advise to not use a Saint Bernard. These dogs normally carry a can with brandy with them and you never know whether they have tried it themselves. The scotch collie is another one I would refrain from. It must be named after the amber colored liquid from Scotland for a reason.














2) Lease a kid.

But beware that the kid is not older than I would say primary school age. Ten to one the kid has not developed a drinking habit itself and can thus do the breathing for you. After having been used by one driver, the kid can be put to use to free another driver from his or her lock. A clearly workable business model to be applied outside a pub or a big venue where alcoholic beverages are likely to be consumed. In access that is.

3) Use your car.

This may seem a bit cryptic at first glance but it is very workable. It does need a it of preparation in advance though. as in, make sure that there is always a length ofgarden-hose in your car. Connect one end to the exhaust pipe of the car, start the car and hold the other end in front of the  mouth piece of the alcohol lock. As the alcohol-lock does look for alcohol but not for CO2, NOx and such you will be free to go. There can be a minor draw back when you have just filled up with a mix of petrol and ethanol, which is quite common for environmental reasons these days. As methanol is quite similar to alcohol, it may trigger the alcohol-lock. I am quite positive you would not get away in a drag-racer, powered by pure ethanol. But then, it would not be road legal as the indicators are missing. And the rear view mirror. Make sure to disconnect the hose after use.

So, what could have been a brilliant idea of our politicians, a contradiction in terms I am afraid, does not seem to be having the expected effect. Not only is it very easy to work around, as I have shown, it also does not apply to other means of transport. Like for instance an airplane. This can turn into a far more dangerous projectile in the hands of an intoxicated person than a Reliant Robin. And it is not all imaginative either, as can be read in 'The Mail Online

- Pilot of private plane escorted off the jet and arrested for 'flying while drunk' 

My advice to the politicians, aiding them to get their focus right, would be to aim their campaigns at a different target group with the slogan 

'DON"T DRINK AND FLY'.

Kings-day, not

Although our king has been around for a while, actually since 30 April 2013, it still feels a bit odd to talk about kings-day. Old habits die hard and we have been having a queen for as long as I can remember. And nope, I have not got Alzheimer's... I therefore propose to stick to queens-day so the subordinates at least have something that stays the same in their lives. A bit of stability. Well, apart from having to pay taxes and the fact that you will die. 

Coming to think of it, the latter is not that certain anymore. When you are willing to pay for it, you can be kept in a freezer till science has figured out how to bring you back to life. How cool is that? But I am diverting from the subject. Queens-day it is then. I think it is also a better name because it reminds us of Maxima, our queen. And I must admit, I would rather have an image of her sticking in my mind than that of 'king pils'. But that is just a matter 

of taste. It would also open up a whole new way of celebrating this national holiday. Provided that we also adopt Maxima's birthday, 17 May, to celebrate. Temperatures are bound to be nicer than at the end of April. Barbequing, one of the favorite past times of the Argentinian can be done without have to thaw oneself, besides the meat. Dancing the tango will replace hopping around on clogs. Much more elegant. And a lot less noisy, let me tell you that. Once gave a couple with twins a pair of clogs for each kid. They loved it. The kids that is. Being only two years old they could produce as much noise as an entire platoon. Thanks to the tile floor in the house. Never got invited a second time though. I wonder why? 

'King pils' would enjoy it enormously. Rather than having to throw toilet bowls, he could have a go with the bolas. Traditionally used by the gaucho to get some meat on the table but equally handy to prevent your kids from straying to far. A word of advice though. Practice a little before actually applying the bolas in real life. It may not only be beneficial for your fellow civilians but also prevents you from getting your bolas in a twist. Let me provide a little help.

 

To stay on topic, the question to ask is "who has got the bolas to propose the return of queens-day?" I am all in favor...